In this episode of Yes, And with Avish Parashar, I dive into the critical yet often-overlooked skill of being present. Whether you're in a leadership role, working with coworkers, or navigating personal relationships, being fully present in the moment is the key to effective communication, emotional management, and fostering positive outcomes in challenging situations.
This episode is a follow-up to my conversation with David Dye, where we discussed powerful phrases for dealing with workplace conflict. While David’s book offers tactical tools for conflict resolution, today we zoom out to explore how being present enhances those tools and improves overall communication.
I also share a fun improv game, Last Letter, First Letter, to demonstrate the power of being truly present in your interactions. This game requires listening attentively to your partner and being in the moment, and it serves as a practical technique you can use in your own life.
Key Takeaways:
- The Power of Presence: How being fully present helps improve communication and creativity, whether in the workplace or at home.
- Managing Emotions: Why being present allows you to manage emotions, especially in high-stakes conversations or conflicts.
- Validating Others: How actively listening to understand helps validate the other person’s feelings and fosters better relationships.
- Improv as a Tool: How improv games like Last Letter, First Letter can train you to be more present in conversations and how you can use this skill in real life.
Resources/Links:
- David Dye's book: https://www.amazon.com/stores/author/B00HZPM7NQ
- David’s Website: Let’s Grow Leaders
- Watch/listen to my previous episode with David Dye: https://avishparashar.com/say-yes-and-to-workplace-conflict-and-collaboration-with-david-dye/
- In a World Of…Improvised Movie Homages Podcast: http://avishandmike.com/
Un-Edited Transcript
Welcome to Yes And, the podcast where we explore the powerful idea of saying yes and instead of yes, but, and how you can use it in your career, your business, your life. I'm your host, Avish Parasher, and this is yes, and. Hello, my friend, and welcome back to a solo episode of yes and with Avish Parasher. Today, I'm gonna talk about something that is critically important, probably doesn't sound like rocket science, and yet is something that we all struggle with. And something that as the world gets more and more connected and more and more social media and and just stimulation everywhere, it gets harder and harder to do, and that is simply to be present. This was a big tool from improv comedy and a big tool in creativity. And I think in any kind of communication or relationship, it's so so critical to just be present.
Be in the moment with the people you are with, and it's so easy to miss. Now this solo episode is a follow-up to my interview with David Dye, which you would still go back and listen to. This is the episode we did last week, and David wrote a great book. He's written multiple books. We talked specifically about his most recent one about powerful phrases for dealing with workplace conflict. And what was interesting about the premise there is so much of what we try to do is avoid conflict, and I agree with that. I think having the right culture and saying yes and and being, more connected with people, we can reduce conflict.
But what was cool about the conversation with David is he's saying that here's how you have the conflict, and not conflict in the way you might stereotypically think of, like, yelling and berating or winning, but rather it's how do you lead into giving people feedback? How do you bring up something when someone does something wrong? And there's a lot of great information in that interview and in his book. In fact, it was so tactical that I'm not gonna go in-depth into what you can do with it. Instead, I'm gonna recommend you go listen to that episode and check out, David's book because there's a lot of tactics. But as I got to thinking, as I do for these follow-up episodes, is what can I add to it and or what can we dig deeper on? And in this case, I didn't really have a great way of digging deeper because it is so tactical.
His book's filled with different scenarios, like 30 different situations and specific phrases you can use. So I thought from the other side, instead of digging deeper tactically, how do we take a step or 2 back? And I thought about this idea of communication at work, whether you're a leader or with coworkers, and you can extend this to personal relationships, parenting, spouses, friends, community, whatever. And I thought really the the the underlying thing that's going to drive these great conversations and and using David's tactics is this sense of being present. Now if you're wondering what does being present means, it simply means putting your attention on the right here and right now, and that's it. In words, it's incredibly simple. It means getting out of your head.
So instead of thinking about what happened earlier today or this argument you got in yesterday with your friend or thinking about all the things you could be doing or need to do later, or if you're talking to someone, instead of thinking of formulating your response on what I'm gonna say back to them, you just let all that go and stay in the moment and put your attention on the other person. In fact, if you go back and relisten to my solo episode on creativity, I believe it was episode 13. It's it's the one that follows up the my interview with Dan Nestle, but it's called, say yes and to, creatively using AI. And I go in-depth into there and how to access your creativity. And one of the things I talk about there is emptying your mind, which is basically the tool of being present. So if you all know how to access your creativity and learn more about emptying your mind, go back and listen to that episode. But for here, it's just simply quieting the mind, letting go of thoughts, whether they're about the past, the future, your response, and just being a 100% in the moment.
Now for creativity, this is great for your own ideas. You can hear your own ideas. But when it comes to communication and the types of things David was talking about, it is so useful to simply be present with your partner and to just listen to them. And when you do this, it really helps you apply so many of the techniques that David was talking about. Because, again, David wasn't his prescriptive techniques weren't about going in and and creating bad feelings and laying into people. A lot of his powerful phrases are about asking questions, are about digging deeper into what the other person wants. And in order to do that, you have to be present and listen to their response.
So it helps in any way, but for communication and leadership, it's tremendously important. And as I said, this is a big principle in improv comedy. When you're performing an improv show, it is so easy to start thinking ahead to not be present at all. And sometimes even to think about, a joke that bombed or a bad seed or or some a missed opportunity. And the number of improvisers that will get ahead of themselves by being in their own head as opposed to being in the moment with their partner, and it is amazing how when they do that, they miss opportunity to be creative, and they miss opportunities to support their partner. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna demonstrate this with an improv game that it's a game we use in performance, but it's also a great game to train and teach people to be in the moment. It's a game called First Letter, Last Letter, and the quick summary is, basically, 2 people have a conversation or do a scene.
The first person speaks whatever the last letter of their last word is. That has to be the first letter in the first word the next person says. So if I said, oh, I'm going swimming later today, today ends in a y, then the other person would have to start with a y. You told me that you just ate lunch and you know if you go swimming, you're gonna get cramps. That ends in an s. So now when the first person speaks, their first word has start with an s and so on and so on. So I'm gonna drop in an audio of, of me performing this game with my, throwback to a few years ago.
Mike and I did a podcast for about a year where every week, we did an improvised movie. We would pick a movie or a movie genre. We would spend the first 15 minutes or so of the podcast talking about the tropes and structure of movies in that genre, and then we perform an improv show. And we'd act out this whole movie of this, in this genre, but we would do it by playing improv games. So, usually, we play about 4 improv games, and each improv game would further the story. And the one I'm gonna drop in here is from an episode we did on the holidays. The movie we made ended up being titled Near Miss Kiss.
It was in the genre of a Hallmark Channel Christmas movie, which was ridiculous. And, yes, I'll admit, I sort of love those, so, it was a little guilty pleasure of mine. And, this is, like, the first act game we do setting up the the story. And, basically, it's about a woman in a town called, Snowy Brook Falls, and she has, like, a tree farm. And, typically, you know, she's being sent as a hard nosed business person to try to buy out a farm, but, falls in love. So that's just a setup so you'll understand what this game is about, but pay attention how in this game, each person has to wait for the person before them to finish speaking before they can say their response and how a couple times we mess it up. And you can tell there are a couple moments where we actually were already formulating our response and actually didn't even use the game mechanic, and we had to correct ourselves as we went.
And so take a listen to this, and I'll come back and explain how this can help you be more present, at your work and in your life.
Avish
Alright. Here we go. Oh, daddy.
I'm I'm so happy that you have brought me in here. I tell you, whatever you need me to do, I am ready to take over the company.
Mike
Noel, it's so great to hear that. Company. Oh, right. Yes, Noel. That's a wonderful thing to hear. I've been looking forward to having you take over as I start to think about retirement. This lumber business is growing, and it turns out that fir trees are a huge explosion.
We're gonna make so much money, and you are gonna be driving our brand new initiative.
Avish
Every day, I wake up just wanting the chance to prove to you and the board I can do it. I'll tell you what. I will be the one to get this deal done, and we will get all the fur trees we need to take our company to the next level. I've got big plans to go for an IPO and for expansion. We are gonna be the number one lumber company in the world.
Mike
Don't tell me you've already been thinking about taking on that big deal we have out in, mid, Midwest Iowa because there is a brand new evergreen farm that's having a little bit of trouble, and they might be just right for a profitable buyout that allows them to walk away rich and us to walk away with raw materials. Are you interested in running that deal?
Avish
Let me at those small town yokels. I will get them to do it.
You know what, daddy? Everyone out here calls you the lumber shark. Well, pretty soon, they're gonna call me the lumber sharkette because I am gonna get those people to sign over that farm, and we are gonna make such a profit.
And it's gonna come
Avish Parashar
at the right time because, you
Avish
know, I think I think Dave is gonna propose to me soon.
Mike
Knock. Knock. Yes. Yes. Come in. You wanted to see me, mister Kiss.
Avish
Uh-uh. Your last letter. Last letter. Alright.
Mike
Yes. Come in. Not to me. You go.
Avish
Noel. Noel. What? I thought we had lunch plans, Noel. Come on. You know
Avish Parashar
I gotta get back to work. I gotta I gotta I gotta I got China and Japan and Germany on the phone.
Mike
Every time we're sitting down with with, dad, David, I have to focus on him. I really didn't mean to miss miss the dinner, but this is really important. It looks like I might be spearheading the deal over at Snowy Brook Falls to buy back the lumber for the the the the evergreen tree farm. Aren't you excited for me? This could be what we need to be able to let him retire and take over the company.
Avish
You're right. I'm sorry.
I I could never be mad at such a pretty face like yours anyways. I'll tell you what. You go do what you need to with that small town. I'm gonna stay here. That small town scene is not really for me. But you get there, you suffer through that, and get back here to me soon, and I'll treat you right as soon as you get home.
Mike
Exactly my thought. Dave, you're gonna be a good addition to the family. Noel, I look forward to you going out there and closing the deal and letting us know when it's time for us to bring in our lumber trucks and decimate that farm.
Avish
Let's jump to, the next morning when Noelle is at her car with David. She is about to drive off towards Snowy Brook Falls. Mhmm.
Mike
Noelle, do you have everything that you need? Do you have all of your documentation and all of this? I've I've put everything in that briefcase last night for you. I think you should be all set to be able to close the deal out of Snowy Brook Falls.
Avish
Stop babying me, David, just because you're the one with the finance degree and the big business background. I've been working in my father's lumber company for years, so I know a thing or 2. You don't need to worry about me. I'm gonna go back come back. I'm gonna be the little shark at. I'm gonna close this deal, and we can move on with our lives. I just can't wait to get away from that small town and get back here into your arms.
Mike
Same with me. I can't wait for us to start new lives together. Let me know how it goes. I'll be over here working the deal over on this side of the, of of the continent.
Avish
That would be great. And remember, if you need anyone to bounce ideas off, I'm assuming this small town won't have any cell phone service at all. So, you know, my best friend, Deborah, will is happy to help you with any, help you need, any conversations. And she said 247, you can call her, and she can help you.
Mike
Usually, I don't like to talk to women behind your back, but this sounds like a fantastic idea. Oh, here's the Greyhound bus. We'll see you in a
Avish
couple of weeks. See you and see.
Avish Parashar
Alright. So that's an example of Mike and I playing, last letter, first letter. And a quick note, this episode should be dropping in mid December, which means we're coming up on the holidays, which is Hallmark Christmas movie season. And so over the next couple weeks, I'm gonna take a little bit of a break from posting new episodes like this. But what I am gonna do is I'm gonna post 1 or 2 episodes from that podcast. It was called in a world of improvised movie homages. You can still find that podcast, on your favorite podcast app.
It is still live. Even though we're not currently making new episodes, there's about 40 of those. So if you like that little bit and you're intrigued by the idea of listening to an improvised movie that digs deep into movie genres and tropes and plays improv games to tell a cohesive story, go check that out. And, next week, certainly, I'm gonna drop in the entire episode of near miss kiss so you can kinda get a feel for what that was about. So for the holidays, I'm not making new content, but I figured it's kind of a fun holiday entertaining thing. So be sure to subscribe, and come on back and check that episode out. And go visit in a world of improvised movie homages if you want to listen to more of the 40 some odd episodes we did of that show. Alright. So let's talk about this game.
So in last letter, a first letter, really, it's a very simple game, and the way to make it truly work the best to really use the tool to your advantage and not as an obstacle. Now what I mean by that is every short form improv game that has rules, restrictions, limitations, you can look at those rules as things that hinder you. Oh, well, I wanted to respond this way, but I have to use this specific letter to start. So how do I do that? Oh, it's such a pain. Let me use my creativity to try to work around it. Right? That's viewing the rule of the game as a limitation.
The other way is to use the rule as an asset, as a way to trigger your creativity. So in this game, what invariably happens is as your partner is speaking, you start thinking of your response. That's a natural thing in improv comedy. It's a natural thing in human communication. But for the improv context, if we can hold back that thought process and just be fully in the moment and listen fully to our partner and wait until they reach the end of their sentence and we know what that last letter is, then use that as the trigger for your creativity. And then let that guide where your conversation goes. This if you listen to my episode on creativity, this is what I refer to as the pebble in your pond.
The pebble in your pond is a sort of short form for whatever question, problem, offer is thrown to you, and then you get your ideas from that. Instead of formulating our ideas from the person as they're speaking before they even finish, we just wait and just let the last letter of the last word be the pebble in our pond. That drives our creativity. That forces us in new directions. And what I recommend to people you know, sometimes people ask me, well, how do I control myself when I'm in a conversation with someone? How can I get myself to be present? Well, I like this game.
I will recommend this as one tactic sometimes is we'll play this game and then I'll say, so when you're talking to someone, just wait till they're done speaking. Now you don't have to use the formulation of I have to start my sentence with the first with the last letter of what they said. But pay attention so you can identify what's the last letter in the last word they say. Now if your goal is to identify the last letter in the last word they say, you have to listen to every single word they say. You have to really pay attention to the other person and listen to every single word they say so you'll know when they say the last word so you know what the last letter is. It's a simple little I mean, I call it a hack. Right? You're not really playing an improv game, but you're using it as a little hack.
Just I'm just gonna be so paying attention to you that I'm gonna be able to tell you what the last letter of the last word you said in your sentence or when you're done speaking. And when you do this, it will force you to listen instead of formulating your response. It is so simple but so powerful. And in improv comedy, this actually started as a drill. It started as an exercise for people who struggled with this, who struggled with being in the moment with their partner and building off of what they said. And you can tell this in an improv show when the improviser's got their own agenda. They're not fully present.
They're not fully listening. In improv and theater teachers would use this as a tactic, a teaching tool to get people to be more present. So number 1, try this game out. Right? If you're in a situation where you have someone you can play with, could be a friend or a spouse, could be a coworker. If you're a team leader, you got, like, your weekly sales meeting. Try this as a simple little exercise. Say, hey.
Have a conversation with a partner, but make sure that every sentence, the first word you say, the first letter of that word starts with the last letter of the last word your partner said. And then the learnings and the debrief. So after it's done, talk about what the challenge was with that. And I guarantee you one of the challenges people will say is, well, it was hard because I wanted to say this, but I couldn't because it had to start with this letter. Now what that's telling you is that means they had already formulated their response. They had already gotten their tunnel vision, and they were looking at the improv rule as an obstacle and see how you could train them to be more present, to build off of what their partner said instead of formulating their response to interrupt them. And then when you go back to David's content on having crucial conversations and using powerful phrases, here's a few things to keep in mind.
Number 1, be present even if you're having these powerful conversations. Right? Sometimes when we're going to workplace conflict, we role play the conversation in our mind. We mentally and emotionally gird ourselves for what could be a tough conversation, which means we go in with a lot of expectations for how the other person's gonna respond, for what they're gonna say, and how we will respond to their responses. And all of these things are 100% not being present. So let that go. Be in the present so you can fully connect when you're having these workplace conflict conversations.
Number 2, manage your emotions. Right? This technique of being present is actually good to managing the emotions. Because sometimes when you're in a conversation, especially when you are, in a conflict type conversation, when you're giving some feedback or when someone's giving you some feedback, whatever the side of the conversation you're on, emotions start to rise. You could be stressed.
You could be angry. You could be afraid. You could be defensive. Right? Whatever it is. And sometimes what happens is when those emotions rise, they lead us to immediately responding. If you take this methodology of being present, of waiting till the person is done, waiting with such attention that you can actually tell me what the last letter was of the last word they said, It actually manages your emotions better.
Because instead of giving into that emotion and immediately responding or giving into that emotion and letting that emotion formulate your response so that when the person's done talking, you can yell at them. It forces you to return to present and let go of those emotions. And, really, rising emotions is going to be one of the biggest reasons that conflicts escalate. Right? Productive workplace conflict is great, as David outlined in his book. But if we let our emotions run amok, then something that started good can become very bad very quickly. So by being present and putting full attention on the other person, you give yourself a chance to manage and let go of those emotions, so don't run amok and make things worse.
Finally, the third thing that's being presence will let you do being present will let you do is validate the other person. Because when we interrupt or when we stop listening to understand and just listen to respond, we are sort of disrespecting the other person. And if you can hold off on your response, hold off on formulating your response, and just really listen and pay attention to the other person, it shows them that you are truly trying to understand them. You are validating their feelings. You're validating their perspective. Because people can feel, and you know this because you can feel this. You can tell when someone is listening to you to understand you versus when someone is listening to you just to respond, to defend themselves, to yes, but and get their point of view across.
So when you have this level of listening, you are validating them and respecting them, which means even if you do come back and argue your point of view or disagree with them, they're gonna feel much better about the relationship. They're gonna feel much better about the conflict than if you just immediately jump in and respond and start arguing with them. That was my solo episode on the power of being present. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you got value out of it and that you're willing to go and try and practice some of these techniques on being present. I hope you also enjoyed the episode and had fun with the little improv game I dropped in. If you like that game, remember, subscribe to this podcast and tune in next week when I'm going to be dropping in the entire episode of Near Miss Kiss.
And if you want more, improv comedy like that, go check out the In A World of Improvised Movie Homages podcast. You can just go search for that podcast on your favorite podcast app. It is still up on the podcast platforms. You can also go to avishandmike.com, which is the website where we hosted that podcast. You can go and see the entire back catalog of, like, 40 episodes, and send me a line if you like that and are hoping that, hey. Maybe someday, you're like, hey, Avish. I'd love you and Mike or you and someone to do more of that.
Go ahead and and drop me a line. And in fact, drop me a line anyways to let me know, what you thought of this episode, if you got value out of it. And if you did get value out of it and liked it, a few things I'd really appreciate. Number 1 is go ahead and share this. Go ahead and post the link to this podcast episode on your, social media platform or maybe email the link to a few friends who you think might benefit and enjoy this episode. And if you could, go to your favorite podcast app and give this episode a a 5 star review, or a 5 star rating and potentially even a few line podcast review. That goes a long way to helping us show up better in the algorithms, in the search, and for convincing other people to give us a try.
So thank you so much, and I look forward to connecting with you next week when I'll be showing the entire episode of Near Miss Kiss.